At a certain point in caregiving, friends and family start to tell you that you need to get help to meet your caregiving responsibilities. You don’t necessarily ask them for this advice—it is offered as if it is a flash of brilliance on their part. “I know what you should do! Get some help!”
WHAT THEY NEVER SEEM TO REALIZE IS THAT GETTING HELP IS A COMMON CAREGIVER DILEMMA:
- First, getting help of any kind is another item for your task list. The one thing you don't want is another thing to do.
- Second, it assumes you have the resources to pay for help. Even though you have no idea what help might cost, it feels like a financial burden you would prefer to delay.
- Third, you need to make sure that your loved one is okay with having someone come to the house to help with their care. Even asking him feels like it will be difficult and emotional. What if he says no?
All three reasons make it very easy to reject the idea or at least put it on the back burner for some time in the future when you really need help. Now doesn’t seem like the right time.
THE UNSPOKEN TRUTH IS THAT ASKING FOR HELP IS SOMETHING THAT NO ADULT WANTS TO DO
I came to this realization when I was teaching a business communication class at a local community college. When the subject of asking for help surfaced, I asked the students to raise their hands if they liked to ask for help. No one moved, and it became hushed in the classroom. I reassured them that most supervisors or managers needed to ask for help from time to time, and it was an essential skill to learn—still silence and stares from all my students.
From my own experience, I had learned that asking for help gets easier the more you do it. You have to start with something small (Would you drop these letters off at the post office when you go there today?) In teaching adults, behavior is best changed by doing, not just hearing an explanation from the instructor. I assigned every student to ask for help when they went to the drug store—even if they didn't actually need help. I gave them an example: Could you show me where the dry mouth lozenges are? (I added, many medications create a dry mouth sensation so you wouldn’t be exposing anything personal.) I assured them it would be great practice. I also said that I would ask for a quick report on their experience at the beginning of each class. It turned out to be fun, as everyone's experience was sometimes humorous and always a lesson for everyone else.
START WITH A REQUEST THAT MAKES YOU FEEL THE LEAST VULNERABLE
Apply this to caregiving. “I love that soup you make on Halloween. Could you make some extra next time so I could freeze some for a day when I’m short of time." Frequently friends will take this opportunity to volunteer to make soup for you right then there. You only need to thank them and look forward to the arrival of soup you didn’t have to make yourself.
Finally, make a plan for yourself
- What kind of help feels like it would be most natural to ask for?
- What kind of assistance would be most helpful for you?
- Who would you feel most comfortable asking (a long-time friend or a neighbor)?
In my caregiving experience, it was amazing how many times when I let the universe know that I needed help, it seemed to appear within the next week. And all it takes is a bit of practice.